


Manhattan

by blackchaps



Series: Three C's [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU, Oz (TV)
Genre: M/M, see part 1 for tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:10:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackchaps/pseuds/blackchaps





	Manhattan

********

Elliot sat on his stoop and drank his coffee. Olivia had gone home, but there was no rush to get inside. She‛d made a habit lately of dropping by, with coffee for him, and they‛d sit outside and talk. He didn‛t fool himself. She wasn‛t putting the moves on him. They were both trying to repair their partnership. Find some trust again. Dani hadn‛t helped things. Elliot didn‛t pretend to understand women, and how Olivia could be jealous of something she‛d never wanted was a mystery, but it had happened. He was sure of that.

Maybe it was just the idea that he could want his partner that had made Olivia so angry. He sipped his coffee and wished there were easy answers to all his problems. When he lumped it all together, it seemed a bit much. He now knew a little too well why his old partner had killed himself. It was one way to turn off all the guilt and pain and regret and excuses that soaked his brain.

"No, Harry. We don‛t talk to strangers. Here in the city, they have lives and don‛t appreciate the interruption."

"He looks sad."

"Keep walking."

Elliot didn‛t look up from his coffee cup. They were neighbors. It was inevitable, and when it happened, they both looked the other way and kept moving. There was nothing there for either of them. Talk about a mistake. He, Elliot Michael Stabler, had been a pity fuck. He rubbed his hand down his face and still didn‛t understand where he‛d gone wrong that night. Of course, it might have been the next morning. He didn‛t know, and he sure as hell wasn‛t going to ask.

"But, Dad."

"No buts."

Elliot got up and went inside, making sure not to look at anything other than his shoes. He was a damn fool and a sinner.

*********

The newspaper was mocking him. He was sure of it. "Fuck," he said softly, tempted to throw it across the room. There just weren‛t any jobs for someone with his qualifications.

Disbarred lawyer with pyschotic tendencies wasn‛t something he ever saw in a help wanted ad. He scrubbed at his face and went ahead and threw it. Getting work anywhere would be hard. Everyone was running backgrounds checks these days, and he wouldn‛t pass.

"Dad, can I have a drink of water?"

Toby turned to Harry and smiled. "Sure. I‛ll bring it up." He went to get it and took it up to him. Harry drank it down and snuggled back under the covers. Toby gave the comforter a tuck. "Better?"

"Yeah." Harry smiled up at him. "I‛m happy here."

"Thank God," Toby blurted. He gave him a kiss on the forehead. "I‛m glad. Your new school is hard enough?"

Harry‛s eyes were shut. "Yeah." He was drifting back to sleep, and Toby sat with him. The school had accelerated programs, and Harry was already working at a grade level above where he‛d been at his old school. He was a smart little guy. Holly was no slouch either. She was tearing it up, and he was very proud of both of them. Dimly, he heard the phone ring, but he smoothed Harry‛s hair back before going down to get it.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Beecher, this is Sandra Emerson, Holly‛s teacher." She paused. "Do you have a moment?"

Toby was sure it was bad news. Had they found out he was a fuckhead and expelled his kids? He stammered, "O-o-f course."

She laughed softly. "First, let me tell you how much I enjoy your daughter. She‛s a delight."

"Thank you." Toby tried to take a breath without being noisy in the phone. He hoped she got to the point before he passed out.

"Would you be interested in volunteering once a week? I‛m organizing some new math groups and some volunteers would be a great help."

Toby swallowed his spit. "I‛d be glad to. It‛d be a pleasure." He prayed he sounded like a normal person. "I guess Holly told you that I‛m a stay-at-home dad."

"She did mention it. I‛ll send home a schedule with her. Call me if you can‛t make on any of the dates. Sound good?"

"It does. Thank you." Toby smiled. "And I‛m glad she‛s doing well."

"Thanks." Emerson hung up, and Toby sagged down on the sofa. He hadn‛t screwed up yet. Holly was doing fine. He took a very deep breath and made a promise not to fuck this teacher. Hopefully, she was married so he wouldn‛t even be tempted. Shame suddenly swept over him and he put his head in his hands. It was always all about him. For once, he needed to focus on his kids and doing right by them. Stop worrying about where he was going to put his dick next.

Thinking about his dick brought him around to Elliot, and he had looked sad. Toby had tried not to look, but his eyes had betrayed him. He saw him just enough to never forget him. It had been a one-night stand. Nothing at all and neither of them wanted more. Elliot had looked horrified the next day. Toby regretted everything that had happened in that bed. He should‛ve given him a quick blowjob and gone home.

_"I haven‛t before."_

And then he‛d rolled over and given it up. Toby rubbed his eyes. He was such a shithead. He‛d been so worried about being a bottom and then he‛d been the crappiest top ever. Chris would‛ve laughed himself sick and then made Toby pay and pay. More guilt raised its ugly head and he groaned. He‛d never really given Elliot a chance. If they still shared a cell, Toby would know the right thing to do, put his ass in the air and say thank you.

"Fuck!" Toby squeezed his phone tight and went outside to make the call. It was going to hurt his pride, but it was the right thing to do.

*********

Elliot looked to see who it was before snapping it open. Surprise was the least of the emotions that surged through him. He stared at it while it rang and tossed it aside on the third one. Forget it. There was nothing to say.

*********

Letting it go was the only sane thing to do, but he didn‛t remember the last time he‛d felt sane, or normal.

"Thanks for your help today, Toby," Emerson said brightly. "Class, say thank you."

They were a good bunch of kids, and Toby waved before exiting. He liked Holly‛s teacher, and she was married, thank God. He was spending more time at the school as each week that passed. Other classes needed help, parents were encouraged to have lunch with their children, and he liked knowing the teachers and what his kids were doing.

He crossed the street and headed for the market. They could use a jug of milk. Thinking about Elliot was a waste of time. He kept telling himself that, but it wasn‛t sinking in. Of course, now that he wanted to see him, he was nowhere to be found. He might‛ve moved for all Toby knew.

"Move it, asshole."

Toby flinched and got out of the way. He‛d been thinking instead of paying attention to where he was walking. "Sorry, buddy." Only then did it dawn on him exactly who was cursing. "Wait a fucking minute!"

"No." Elliot was moving down the sidewalk quickly, and he didn‛t look as if he‛d be slowing down. Toby threw up his hands and followed him. If he had to beg and plead, he might as well get started.

*********

"Leave me the hell alone!" Elliot immediately tried to bring his voice down. He‛d scared half the people in the diary aisle.

Toby didn‛t even take a step back. "No. We‛re going to talk."

"Asswipe," Elliot muttered. He needed a few groceries, but that wasn‛t going to happen with Toby in his face. Changing direction, he scooped up the gum he liked and went to the checkout. Ignoring the guy following him wasn‛t easy. He paid, glared, and beat it out the door. This was ridiculous. He stopped dead on the sidewalk and whipped around. "You made the rules here. You! Now what is your damn problem?"

Toby ran his hand through his hair. "Ijustwantedtotalk."

"Oh, for Christ‛s sake! Quit mumbling!"

"Hey, Elliot, is there a problem here?"

Elliot turned back around. "Hey, Stan. Sorry, I‛m a little on edge today. Worked a double rape homicide."

Stan, the neighborhood beat cop, nodded. "I read about it in the papers. This guy messing with you?"

"Nah. He‛s an old buddy of mine." Elliot tried to laugh. He could almost smell the fear coming off Toby, but he wasn‛t walking away. "I‛ll try to keep it down."

"You deserve to blow off some steam. Visit the firing range today." Stan smiled, they shook hands, and Elliot started for home. Toby was right behind him, close enough to touch, and it was eerily familiar. By the time they got to Toby‛s place, Elliot had had it. He stopped by Toby‛s gate.

"Enjoy your police escort?" Elliot wasn‛t going any further with him. "This is your stop."

Toby swallowed hard. "I just wanted to talk. You don‛t have to be the king of assholes."

"So we‛re doing this all your way, huh? Following your rules." Elliot didn‛t think so. He had been insulted enough for one lifetime from this guy. "You told your son not to talk to me!"

"He needs to learn. He‛s too trusting of strangers." Toby‛s eyes blazed now. "He‛s going to get bent over."

Elliot hoped not, but that wasn‛t the point. "I ain‛t the strange one here."

"Come in for coffee?" Toby had to be crazy again. That had to be it. Something had pushed him over the edge. Elliot wasn‛t sure he wanted to know what. Toby reached and put his hand on Elliot‛s arm. "Please?"

"You gonna throw food at me?" Elliot hated that he was giving in, but he followed Toby through the gate and up the few steps. He hesitated at the doorway. Once he went inside, he‛d have to talk. Shit.

*********

Toby started the coffee and watched Elliot take a good look around. Elliot didn‛t look happy to be here. It was hard to blame him. He‛d done nothing but reach out, and Toby had done nothing but tell him to fuck off.

"Nice place, but not as nice as I‛d expected." Elliot had his hands in his jean pockets and was leaning against the doorjamb. "I thought you were loaded."

"Years of prison beat the pretentiousness right out of me." Toby didn‛t know what to do. Sit at the table or go to him or run away: it was all jumbling together. He could only hope his heart kept on beating. "This way there‛s room for that piano Holly wants."

Elliot didn‛t smile or flash that grin. "So what are we going to talk about?"

Toby rubbed the spot on the forehead that he used to pound into walls and books. He had to say this right the first time. "I‛m sorry. I‛m very sorry."

"So?" Elliot didn‛t look impressed.

"That morning I thought, I believed, that you were angry at me, and I couldn‛t face it." Toby had done nothing but think about it for a month. "I always screw it up. Always."

Elliot sighed and sat down at the kitchen table. "If I‛d have been mad, I wouldn‛t have offered you a ride home."

"But it was obvious you didn‛t mean it, and you barely looked at me, and your cop friend made it clear you were dating other women. And that glare of yours could strip-"

"All right! Shut up!" Elliot interrupted. He rubbed a hand down his face. "Do we gotta talk about it?"

Toby stalled by pouring the coffee and sitting down across from him. It was a good question, and he had to come up with an answer. He added cream and sugar, stirred, and tried to look Elliot in the eye. Elliot wasn‛t doing that.

"Guess not, but I am sorry." Toby had to get that point across. He‛d made a bad situation worse by acting like a bitch. "Just call me crazy."

Elliot didn‛t answer right away. He was working on his coffee. Feeling like a total scum, Toby slowly stretched his arm across the table and put his hand out face up. He didn‛t deserve forgiveness - he never did - but he didn‛t want to feel crappy about this any longer.

"I might‛ve glared," Elliot said and took Toby‛s hand. "But you were still a Grade A asswipe."

"Yeah. I know." Toby had to shut his eyes for a moment as the warmth and strength from Elliot‛s hand swept over him. "And the cousin thing freaks me out."

"Now we get to the truth." Elliot pulled his hand away and drank some coffee. "Any food in this place?"

Toby nodded, glad for the distraction, and got up to raid the fridge. He‛d gone back to it over and over again. Elliot wasn‛t Chris. Going to bed with him had been about something else. Not about Chris. But he wasn‛t so sure. He pulled some cinnamon rolls out and took his time getting plates, forks, and heating them up.

"Thanks," Elliot said and starting eating. Toby nodded and sat down again. He picked at his own roll and thought back over that night again. He‛d been messed up, but Elliot had helped him get it together. Something else that Toby owed him.

"I was half the way to crazy that night. You should have beat the crap out of me."

"Probably so." Elliot was good at the sarcasm. "Guess they didn‛t call you Crazy Toby for nothing."

Toby laughed, knowing that he shouldn‛t. "Can‛t get anything by you, Detective."

Elliot chuckled. "Your mom make these?"

"Yeah." Toby distracted himself from staring at Elliot‛s lips by drinking some coffee and taking a bite. "She‛s here more often than not."

"Still no job?"

"Who would hire me? I tried a couple of places, but they told me to forget it once they found out that I‛m an ex-con." Toby didn‛t blame them. "I‛ve been volunteering at the school. They don‛t pay, but it‛s something to do."

Elliot suddenly frowned. "Did you tell the principal?"

Toby looked up at Elliot‛s tone. That was his cop voice. "No. Should I?"

"I‛m surprised they don‛t vet their volunteers." Elliot didn‛t look as if he approved.

"I‛ll tell her," Toby said glumly. "They‛ll tell me to fuck off, and I can go back to watching SpongeBob." He pushed the roll away, not surprised when Elliot took it. They‛d done the same thing at Rikers more than once. "When do I get to live it down? When do I get to have a job again? A career? Something for me?"

Elliot took Toby by the arm. "I don‛t know, but if one of the other parents finds out and tackles her on it, she might lose her job."

"I doubt Holly and Harry are bragging about it, but I see your point." Toby would tell her and then stop going. He liked her too much to screw her over. Now Elliot was looking at him, and Toby would have sworn he could smell ozone burning. He couldn‛t look away, and it was Elliot that finally did. Toby glanced at the fridge and wondered if he could casually stuff some ice cubes in his jeans.

"Just be honest and it might not be a problem." Elliot didn‛t look convinced. "Not like you‛re on the sex offenders list."

"Yeah, those fuckers are screwed. They might as well stay in prison where they belong." Toby nearly laughed as Elliot toned down his glare. Elliot‛s coffee mug was almost empty, and Toby refilled it, waiting for him to say something. The silence wasn‛t exactly comfortable.

"There for a second I thought I was going to have to smack you."

"You owe me one or two I‛m thinking." Toby sat back down. He wasn‛t worried about being hit. Elliot was too nice a guy. That‛s why he‛d let Toby bend him over.

"You miss that cousin of mine?"

Toby was shocked at the sudden change, but he tried not to show it. "He was a killer, a bad man, but yeah, I do. Doesn‛t make much sense."

Elliot shrugged and furrowed his brow. "I‛ve killed a few myself."

Toby believed that, but it wasn‛t the same. Chris had killed over blowjobs, and Elliot had only glared. Toby took a deep breath and didn‛t bother to explain it. He made sure to meet Elliot‛s eyes.

"Want a blow?"

"No." Elliot‛s voice cracked on that one word. He got up from the table. "I think we‛re done."

Toby took the dishes to the sink, somehow certain that Elliot wouldn‛t leave. He rinsed and loaded the dishwasher. Drying off his hands, he smiled. "I put the kids to bed at nine."

"So?" Elliot practically growled the word.

"I like to sit on my stoop after that." Toby made sure not to look at him. "This time, it‛s on you."

"Maybe." It was easy to hear Elliot‛s footsteps and then the shutting of the door. He was gone. No telling if he‛d be back. Toby pushed his hair behind his ears, refusing to go crazy about it. He‛d go talk to the principal and catch lunch with the kids. After that, he‛d walk to the library. Maybe they needed a volunteer. It was worth a try, better than sitting around.

*********

Elliot went back to the market. He still needed some groceries and this time he wouldn‛t have a shadow. Toby had apologized. He might even have meant it. He‛d looked sincere, but being a lawyer was a mark against him. Crazy just seemed to be part of who he was. Elliot knew it should have alarmed him. It didn‛t. Anyone who‛d been through the grinder that was Oz would be nuts. Hell, he‛d wanted to shank someone after a week in Rikers.

They‛d already had sex. Being friends couldn‛t be all that hard. Elliot pressed the TV dinner against his groin. It helped. Embarrassed, he tossed it in the cart and kept moving. He hadn‛t had a day off in a long time. There was laundry to do and other chores. Kathy might want to know that he was alive. Plenty to do and he‛d think about Toby later, possibly tomorrow.

**********

Toby frowned and spread his hands. "You knew?"

"Of course. I run a Google check on all our volunteers. It‛s not the FBI, but it‛s pretty good." The principal waved her hand dismissively. "You‛re sober. Your parole officer speaks highly of you. I don‛t believe you‛re a danger to our children."

"Wow." Toby rubbed his hand through his hair. "I expected to be tossed on my ear."

"Show up drunk and I‛ll press charges against you." She meant that. He could tell, but he wasn‛t going to take it personally. She smiled. "Now that‛s out of the way. We need an assistant basketball coach. It pays nothing. Are you interested?"

"I don‛t know much about basketball," Toby said hesitantly. He hated to say no right out of hand.

She put a book in his hand. "I know you can read, and the head coach could use the help. Please."

Toby groaned. "Oh, all right."

"Glad to see rampant enthusiasm. I‛ll send the information home with Holly." She grinned. Toby sighed heavily and let her usher him out. He wanted to bang his head with the book. Back outside, he forgot about the library. He still had doubts that other parents would be thrilled he was helping out, but she had made an educated choice.

His parole officer spoke highly of him? That was a surprise. The guy didn‛t even look up from his paperwork. Toby unlocked his gate, sat on the steps, and opened the book. Hopefully, he had a couple of days to get ready.

*********

Elliot turned off the car and checked the time. Almost ten. Kathy had insisted they talk. He‛d listened and left. The long and short of it was that even though they were divorced, he was still on the hook for everything that went wrong in the family. Not that he was a part of it anymore. He rubbed his face and got out. Cursing wouldn‛t do any good, and he didn‛t think going to see his priest would either. Understanding his situation might call for direct intervention from God.

Hell, he didn‛t have to understand it. He just had to live it. "Damn," he whispered and took a long look down the sidewalk. It couldn‛t hurt to go see if Toby was out. He‛d probably given up. Giving up was what people in Elliot‛s life did. Elliot didn‛t rush, but he got there. There was a note stuck in the gate, and he had a feeling it was for him. He took it off and read, "Call me. I need your help."

Elliot had his phone out and dialing before he thought about how it‛d make him look. "What‛s the problem?"

"Where are you?" Toby asked.

"Outside your gate." Elliot slapped the phone shut. He hoped that if it were a parole problem, Toby would have called him earlier.

"Thought you were skipping out?" Toby came out the door with a book in his hand and walked to the gate. He opened it and smiled.

Elliot followed him to the stoop. "What‛s going on?"

Toby sat down. "This." He handed the book to him. "I‛m lost. Completely."

Elliot stared down at it. He looked up and glared. "You said you had a problem!"

"I said I needed your help." Toby‛s eyes were wide. "You‛re strung too tight."

"This is basketball," Elliot growled. He wasn‛t strung. Opening the book, he glanced at the chapters and back at him. "So?"

Toby groaned. "They want me to be the assistant coach! I‛m doomed."

Elliot blinked, took a breath, and then started to laugh. He couldn‛t help it. Toby gave him a shove and mumbled some curse words. Elliot grinned. "What a geek."

"Hey, I can shoot a basket, and I watch occasionally." Toby frowned, and it was funny. "I just don‛t know what the hell they‛re doing."

"Taking it to the hoop." Elliot laughed again. "I thought she was going to fire you?"

Toby sighed heavily. "I almost wish she had. She knew everything, threatened me, railroaded me into a job that pays nothing, and then laughed."

"She single? Sounds like my kind of woman." Elliot shut the book. He had to stop laughing. Toby was starting to look mean.

"I‛ll get her number for you." Toby grabbed the book back. "Forget it. Just forget it."

Elliot chewed the inside of his lip. If he were thinking clearly, he‛d walk away. The last thing he needed in his life was someone else that wasn‛t reliable. Someone who wasn‛t capable of of sticking around. Toby was a lot of things, but steady wasn‛t one of them. "How long do I have to turn you into a jock?"

"A week." Toby pressed the book to his head.

"You‛re right. We‛re doomed." Elliot took the book back so Toby wouldn‛t hit himself in the forehead with it. "Let‛s go inside. Your kids might need a drink of water or something."

Toby got up. "You sure?"

Elliot wasn‛t, but he shrugged. "No, but let‛s give it a try."

"Thanks," Toby said very softly. Elliot didn‛t answer. He didn‛t want to embarrass either of them. It was basketball. They‛d shoot some hoops and maybe have a few laughs. One thing for sure, he was keeping his clothes on.

********

"Wait. Pros only play man-on-man? But everyone else can play a zone?" Toby really hoped the other coach was competent because it was clear that he wouldn‛t be.

"Right. If the big dogs played zone, it wouldn‛t be fair." Elliot pointed at the screen with his soda can. "The rules are a little different for schools. Since you don‛t know the rules, don‛t confuse yourself by watching the pros play."

Toby rubbed his forehead. "Glad I asked."

"You‛ll be helping with drills and giving them the basics. Dribbling, passing, shooting: the easy stuff. I doubt you‛ll be worrying about running a one-three-one zone after a full court press." Elliot‛s eyes stayed on the TV. "Knicks suck this year."

"Does it count that I knew Jackson Vahue?" Toby didn‛t think it did.

Elliot looked right at him. "He was good. Messed up his life."

"It didn‛t get any better in Oz." Toby hadn‛t liked him.

"Your kids doing okay?" Elliot glanced upstairs. "With the move and all?"

Toby wasn‛t sure, but he hoped so. "They say they like their new school. I sorta walked into their lives and turned them upside down."

"Keep them talking to you. That‛s important." Elliot might know what he was talking about. "I have the day off tomorrow. We can go to the court. Got a ball?"

"No." Toby made a note to buy one. He had seen the court at the local park. "You‛re going to hurt me, aren‛t you? Payback for Rikers."

Elliot chuckled. "Good idea. I owe you for that food fight with Seaby. Now, he was a scumbag."

"I nearly shanked him more times than you can count." Toby still got angry thinking about him. "He saw Holly once."

"Damn." Elliot put his soda can down on the coffee table and touched Toby on the arm. "Hey, you can‛t go back and kill him."

Toby looked down at the hand on him. He liked it. Swallowing hard, he reminded himself that it wasn‛t going to happen again. He could tell. Elliot wasn‛t interested any longer. Toby didn‛t blame him. His first time had been a disaster. Toby had been the shittiest lover on the planet, and it was tempting to apologize for it, but he had the feeling that Elliot didn‛t want to hear it. Their eyes met, and Elliot got to his feet.

"I gotta go. I‛ll stop by tomorrow."

"Sure. Thanks." Toby didn‛t get up. He didn‛t watch him leave, and he refused to think about might have beens. Basketball was fine. They‛d do that.

*********

"Get your hands up, Toby!" Elliot scored again, shooting over him. "And get used to saying it."

Toby rebounded the ball, went over to his water bottle, and took a long drink. "You‛re taller than I am."

"Not if you raise your arms!" Elliot drank a little water also. He took the ball from him. "Okay, let‛s work on your dribbling again."

"Did you bring your gun?" Toby‛s eyes sparkled and he was sweating. He looked scrawny in sweats and a wife-beater, but he had muscle. Elliot remembered lifting with him - remembered him shoving-.

"Elliot?" Toby splashed some water on him.

Elliot jumped. "Hey!" He hit Toby in the chest with the ball. "Dribble. I‛ll steal it."

"I‛m not sure this will help me teach," Toby grumbled. He put his water down, glared, and rubbed his chest. Elliot backed up to the three-point line and waited for him. Toby wasn‛t bad. He just wasn‛t anywhere near good. Elliot knocked it away again and again.

"Protect the ball!" Elliot took it from him and went for the lay up. "Want me to show you again?"

Toby came at him hard, trying for the ball, but Elliot kept him back and then scored.

"Damn it!"

Elliot tossed him the ball. "What kind of pass was that?"

"That was a bounce pass with backspin." Toby wiped his forehead and threw it back hard. "That was a chest pass. Excuse me while I go home and get my shank. I‛ll teach you how we played basketball in Oz."

"No thanks, but that‛s very considerate of you." Elliot grinned, spun, and took the shot. It bounced and he went after it. He couldn‛t hit them all. "You ever shank anyone?"

Toby was sitting down, sucking on his water bottle, and he didn‛t look as if he‛d be answering that. He probably had. In a place like Oz, there were a hundred reasons to do it, and some of them were good ones. Elliot didn‛t want to remember how close he‛d come to putting paid to Dorsey.

"Do you ever worry that you‛re losing your mind?"

Elliot walked over to the bench and sat down. He put the ball under his foot, drank some water, and wondered how to answer that. "‛Bout once a week."

"But you never do." Toby took the ball and moved it from hand to hand. "I still might be crazy as a fucking loon if it weren‛t for you."

"What happened there?" Elliot hoped for a good answer.

Toby glanced at him and then held the ball still. "Chris killed himself. I had a break. Couldn‛t handle it."

Elliot didn‛t think that was it. He hated to be skeptical, but he‛d read the file. "You were fine until they moved you to Rikers and put you in the perv block. Maybe not fine, but doing okay."

"It didn‛t happen in an instant. He killed all those Nazis in the mailroom. They moved us, and I started to unravel. First day at Rikers, I was put in gen pop. It was okay until I took a shower." Toby heaved out a big breath. "Then I had to fight for my life, and I discovered that I didn‛t care if I lived or died. I just wanted to hurt people."

"So they moved you." Elliot knew about the swastika. He‛d showered with Toby more than once. It did make a bizarre kind of sense. Too much stress had made dealing with the grief impossible and then he‛d had a breakdown. Huang would understand it better than Elliot ever would. He slowly nodded. "You quit trying."

"Completely. What was the use? No matter what I did or said or didn‛t do, everyone I loved died." Toby drank some water and looked right at him. "That sense of helplessness is a terrible thing."

"I know." Elliot did know, and it scared him. Some days it would be so easy to just lay down and give up. "You made it out alive."

Toby rubbed his hand through his hair. "Because of you and then I treated you like shit. I didn‛t want to believe you might have liked me."

Elliot grinned. "I don‛t."

"Figures." Toby groaned dramatically. "I was right for once and still came back begging like a yappy bitch. All right. I want to read the book again and then we‛ll do this some more."

Elliot searched for something to say but came up with nothing. Toby wasn‛t a bitch, and Elliot did like him, and it was all jumbled together with sex. "Toby, you never beg."

"Did for you." Toby didn‛t sound like it was a problem. "I need a shower."

"Together for old time‛s sake?" Elliot nearly clapped his hand over his mouth. "Wait. I-"

"Shut up," Toby interrupted harshly. "I know you were joking." He got his stuff and gave Elliot one of those looks. "I‛m not apologizing again."

Elliot frowned, unsure of what exactly they were talking about now. "I didn‛t ask for one. Your choice."

Toby snorted. "Like I could live with myself if I hadn‛t. Okay, one more time, I‛m sorry. And I‛m sorry I was such a shitty lover."

"Excuse me?" Elliot thought he‛d heard those last two words correctly. "Shitty?"

"Well, yeah." Toby blushed and scuffed his shoe. "I was terrible. I mean, I‛m not usually good, but I‛m better than that, and, well, shit. Forget I said anything."

Elliot wasn‛t sure he could. There was a big lump stuck in his throat, and he managed to croak, "You don‛t have to apologize." The last words were stronger than the first. He never talked about sex, not with people he was doing it with.

"Yeah. I‛ll take that." Toby wouldn‛t look at him. "Can we do this tomorrow?"

"After work, maybe around five." Elliot latched on to that. His face couldn‛t get any redder. He didn‛t want Toby to walk off in a huff. They‛d avoided each other for weeks, and now they were passed it, he didn‛t want to argue any longer. Even at Rikers, they‛d never fought until the nugget incident. He put the ball under his arm. "I have the whole day off."

Toby turned enought to face him squarely. "Elliot, you‛re messing with fire."

Elliot nearly took a step back from the fierceness of those words. "Don‛t you want a friend?"

"I‛m the kind of man that wants whatever he can get." Toby‛s eyes were bright blue in the sun. "My shower or yours?"

Elliot had boxed himself into this corner, reaching out when he should‛ve walked away. "At least you asked instead of demanded." He grabbed his water and took a long drink, trying to think. When he quit, Toby was right there. So close. Two inches closer and they‛d be kissing. He didn‛t remember them kissing. Other things, yes, but not kissing. Toby looked away, and that was it. He walked away without another word, and Elliot refused to chase after him. Separate showers was fine, probbly the best decision for both of them.

*********

Toby settled into his chair with the book from hell and a soda. The kids wouldn‛t be home for an hour. He had time to read, but the words kept slipping away, replaced with images of Elliot‛s sweaty body. The crucifix was still there. The slightly scrawny legs and a chest that was better than some supermodels. That beautiful smile and a grin that wasn‛t always honest - it was all there. Yesterday, he‛d assumed that Elliot would never want to fool around again. Today, he wasn‛t so sure. There was a hungry look in Elliot‛s eyes that Toby recognized from the mirror. They were both too much alone and desperate for a touch. At least, he was desperate. Elliot might be fine, but Toby wasn‛t so sure now.

He adjusted his dick in his jeans and let himself remember how forthright Chris had been about what he wanted. Sure, there were lies, but never about that. Chris had wanted him, wanted him bad. With Elliot, there was no telling. The guy had to be conflicted. Married, divorced, and then in bed with a man, that had been a recipe for disaster. Toby should be smart and stay the hell out of it. Right. Smart. He didn‛t see any reason to start now.

*********

"Stabler."

"You coming for dinner?"

Elliot knew his fridge was empty. He‛d checked earlier when he‛d gotten a beer, but that was no excuse to go down to Toby‛s. "Pizza?"

"Real food. Last chance." Toby sounded irritated, and that, strangely enough, helped Elliot make up his mind.

"Give me fifteen." Elliot wanted to put on a nicer shirt. Toby clicked off without saying goodbye. It was barely possible that reaching out like that had been difficult for him. Elliot wasn‛t going to ask. He remembered stupidly thinking that the first time might not be their last. He‛d thought they were establishing a relationship. Occasionally, he wondered if his mother had dropped him on his head.

*********

"Yes, I invited someone for dinner. A friend of mine." Toby smiled at Holly. Her eyes were wide.

"Harry better not embarrass me!"

Toby made sure not to smile. His daughter was quite the adolescent. He thought she was too young, but kids did grow up quicker these days.

"Dad, is it a woman?" Harry asked, and his face as serious as usual.

No, Son, it‛s one of our neighbors. He‛s a policeman, a good guy. You two are going to be nice." He had to say it, but he wasn‛t worried. That was the one thing that their teachers agreed on: his kids were nice. Harry might be surly at home, but he wasn‛t at school. He was polite. Toby did think that his son was less cranky since the move. Some day soon he‛d get up the guts to ask his mother.

Holly and Harry both ran to get the gate when the bell rang, and Toby went to make sure everything was more or less ready for dinner. He had to play tonight just right. No pressure. No steamy looks. Nothing but mere friendliness. He rubbed his hand through his hair and prayed that he could do it.

"I think the kids are hungry," Elliot said.

"They‛re always hungry." Toby turned and the casual smile drained away as he took in the jeans, the green T-shirt under a green pullover with a jean jacket to top it off. Elliot looked so good. Toby swallowed down a huge wad of lust. "You?"

"Starved."

Toby nearly went to his knees. He locked them instead and was so glad his kids came to rescue. Harry quizzed Elliot about being a cop, and Toby and Holly got the food on the table. He was glad he didn‛t drop anything. Elliot might not know he was charming, but he was. He was.

"I thought you were joking about the real food." Elliot smiled, and Toby couldn‛t make words come out his throat. He was locked up, and the only thing working was his dick. Thank God he was sitting down.

"Grandma is trying to teach Dad to cook. She comes over a lot." Harry smiled at Elliot. His son actually smiled. Toby‛s dick deflated in record time and flush of anger crept over him. Harry kept on going, "She says that Dad needs a hobby."

Toby couldn‛t find a smile. If he felt one inch tall, that was pushing it. Elliot grinned and said, "Raising you kids is a full-time job, much less basketball and cooking."

"All the other dads work," Harry said in his grumbling voice that Toby heard so much. "Like you."

Holly looked at Toby with a mortified expression on her face. Toby made the mistake of glancing at Elliot. Elliot was leaning closer to Harry with a sympathetic look on his face.

"Harry, not all families are the same. I see it every day. There‛s nothing good or bad about it. It‛s just the way it is." Elliot smiled a little but not all that much. "If he hired a nanny and worked all the time, would that make you happy?"

Harry shot a look at his dad. Toby returned the look steadily. He‛d wondered the same thing a few times. Harry suddenly shrugged. "The other kids think it‛s weird."

Elliot told Toby with a look that it was time to say something. Toby smiled at his son. "You never seemed the type to care what other kids say."

Holly giggled. "That‛s for sure. Harry tells them to go to, uh, well, never mind."

Toby rubbed his hand through his hair. "That‛s what I thought. Holly, what do you think? Should I get a job?"

"No. I like seeing you after school, unless we need the money." Holly frowned now. "Do we?"

"Let me worry about money." Toby sure as hell wasn‛t discussing it in front of Elliot. "Harry, what‛s your vote?"

Harry glanced at Elliot. "You have kids?"

Elliot did and he gave Harry all the details, including the fact that he rarely saw them because of the divorce. It made Toby‛s heart ache for him, which was further proof of his insanity. Toby took the opportunity to get Elliot another piece of lasagna as the first had been demolished quickly. Another piece of the puzzle that was his son slid into place. Shame. Harry was carrying a load of shame, and the load had Toby‛s name written on it.

"Harry, answer the question." Toby wanted an answer, enough with quizzing Elliot about his life.

"No," Harry said firmly. "Because I haven‛t made up my mind."

Toby took that at face value. "Then let‛s not discuss it again in front of company, agreed?"

Harry met Toby‛s blue eyes with his own. "I agree."

*********

Elliot felt almost pummeled by all the emotions that had roiled through and over him during dinner. Toby‛s kids were great, but it was clear they had issues. The kind of issues that come from an absent father, a dead mother, and a murdered brother. Harry acted out more than Holly, but Toby was right. There was a look in her eye that spoke of betrayal. If Toby did get a job, he‛d be making a terrible mistake.

Leaving right after dinner would have seemed odd, but Elliot almost bolted out the door. This hurt him for Toby, and he was honest enough to admit he cared too much what happened to this family and to Toby. This always happened. He got too involved and it led to painful place. Reluctantly, he followed the line of reasoning to the truth. From the instant they‛d fallen into bed together, he cared too much.

**********

The look in Elliot‛s eyes was clear to see. He desperately wanted the hell out of here. Toby gave him an half an hour after dinner and then found an excuse. "Elliot, the kids have to get ready for school. Thanks for coming over."

Elliot didn‛t hesitate. "Dinner was good. Thanks for inviting me."

"So now I can talk to him, if I see him on the street, Dad?" Harry managed to sound snarly.

"Yes, Son. You may." Toby was certain that if they did talk, it would be on the street, not in this house. Elliot would never darken this door again. Harry had seen to that, and yet, Toby couldn‛t blame him. "Thanks, Elliot."

"I‛ll call you about basketball practice. We don‛t have that long to turn you into a jock." Elliot grinned.

"Like that‛ll ever happen," Harry said.

Toby didn‛t spare a glare for his son. He walked Elliot out to the gate, made sure it locked, and turned away after another bare thank you.

"Toby?"

Toby heard the quiet plea and immediately went back to the gate. "I‛m sorry, Elliot. I shouldn‛t have asked you."

Elliot answered very softly. "Don‛t be. Just, give them time."

Toby managed a nod and went quickly back in the house. He felt vulnerable, stripped naked, and ass fucked without lube, and his son had done it to him. His son didn‛t much like him. Vern would laugh. He was probably in hell laughing right now.

Harry looked up when Toby came in the door. Toby felt as if he should say something, but he had no idea what. He hurt. He hurt for his children, and he hurt for himself, and he was very upset that Elliot had seen it all unfold like dirty laundry.

"He won‛t be back." Harry didn‛t smile, but Toby saw a spark in his son‛s eyes. "He‛s a cop. Not a good idea having him around."

Toby didn‛t understand for a long moment. He sat down with a thump and simply stared at his son. "In an attempt to protect me, you embarrassed me?"

Harry shrugged as if it didn‛t matter. "He can‛t be a real friend. He‛s a cop."

Toby unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it open. "Harry, do you see this scar?"

"Yes," Harry suddenly sounded scared. His mouth hung open slightly and he was eight again.

"The reason I‛m not dead is because that cop held me tight and kept me from bleeding out all over the prison floor. Whether or not we‛re friends is exactly none of your business. You‛re eight years old. You don‛t know everything."

Harry blanched. "He saved your life?"

"Yes. He saved my life and my sanity." Toby suddenly saw Holly‛s very wide eyes and shut his shirt quickly. "Our family isn‛t perfect, but I never, ever, want to hear you discuss us again with someone you don‛t know."

"Are you ashamed?" Harry fired right back at him. "Of us?"

Toby took a deep breath and made sure his crazy temper was pushed far away. "No. Never. But you hurt him because he knows that he can‛t fix it. It was cruel, Harry."

Harry managed a paler shade of white. "I didn‛t think."

"Start thinking. Now. The world doesn‛t revolve around you, nor does it care that you feel hurt." Toby spoke calmly. Anger now was a mistake. "Just because your dad was a self-centered asshole for years, doesn‛t mean you have to follow in his footsteps."

"Was?" Harry stuck his shank deep and twisted.

"Yes. Was. Now go shower and get ready for bed." Toby would hug him later. Holly had said exactly nothing, but he could hear her breathing harshly, and he turned to her. "Well?"

Holly sat down next to him and slowly pulled his shirt back open. He allowed it, but he wasn‛t sure he was doing the right thing. She didn‛t touch. "He's your friend."

"I believe so." Toby tucked his hand under her chin and forced her eyes up. "I‛m fine," he said softly.

"I know, but-"

"As Harry would say, there are no buts," Toby interrupted. "Prison is dangerous. You know that. Some guy tried to shank Elliot and I got in the way."

"You-" She gulped air. "Saved him?" Her eyes were as big as fifty cent pieces.

"I guess." Toby rubbed his forehead. "He was undercover at Rikers. The guy found out. I couldn‛t let anyone kill him. I just couldn‛t. I didn‛t think."

Holly slowly nodded. "Harry doesn‛t think all the time either."

"Like father, like son," Toby said, trying hard not to sound bitter. "How about you, do you always think?"

"I think too much." Holly hugged him hard. She looked up at him. "You still miss Gary?"

Toby gasped from how much that hurt. "I miss him every day."

Holly tucked her head against his arm. "I wish I remembered him more. The doctor says I blocked out the memories."

"I know." Toby stroked her hair. "No guilt. There was nothing you could have done, and it was only luck that we got you back."

"Prison is a dangerous place," Holly said. "We survived."

Toby kissed her forehead. "We did. Now we have to find a life. Think we can do it?"

"Yes. I do. But please don‛t get a job unless we need the money." She eased up to her feet. "Please."

"I‛ll consider it. Let me think on it." Toby winked at her. "Homework?"

"I‛m going." Holly smiled so beautiful at him, and he returned it until she was upstairs. Only then did he put his head in his hands and cry, but softly, very softly.

********

Elliot knew the next step was his, but he was damn reluctant to make it. It wasn‛t that he was scared. Hell, he was terrified, and he had so little time to think about it. He knew very well that if he didn‛t call Toby today, even soon, that it was done. Over. Toby was too fragile, too ashamed, and he‛d take a delayed phone call as rejection, plain and simple. All of that didn‛t make calling him any easier.

"Elliot, why don‛t you go ahead and call it a day?" Cragen was staring at a clipboard and frowning. "You cleared the DeLancy case, right?"

"Why should I? And, yes." Elliot threw his straw away. It wasn‛t helping.

Cragen‛s eyebrows went up. "Because I‛m the captain. Go home."

Elliot was willing to concede that. He had probably overstepped his bounds by growling. Olivia gave him that look. He spread his hands. "What?"

"You‛re cranky. Go take a nap or something." She wasn‛t joking. He could tell. With a sigh, he turned everything off and started for home. He wasn‛t tired, even though he‛d slept very little last night. There was no way to help him. Support him, yes, but he was basically on his own. Elliot regretted ever making light of Toby‛s problems. Raising children was never a cakewalk, and Toby had his hands full with Harry. Holly‛s issues were more subtle, but just as daunting.

One thing for sure: he needed to talk about it with Toby, not pretend it wasn‛t a problem. Toby needed more than a hand coaching basketball. He needed a friend. Elliot parked his car and rubbed his face with his hands and kept them there. Friends didn‛t have sex. Friends didn‛t think about what the other guy looked like naked. Toby had turned around in the kitchen and it all been all over his face. Elliot had been grateful for Harry‛s interruption. He got out of the car and went inside. He‛d get his basketball and head to Toby‛s. No phone call. More direct action was needed.

**********

Toby wished he had something scheduled for today. He also wished that Elliot would call, but that was ridiculous. Elliot was probably still freaking out. Frustrated, he clicked off the TV and went outside to sit. It was warm enough, but another month and it‛d turn cold. Another day of doing nothing, no wonder his son thought so little of him. He had no goals in life, beyond raising his children. Oz had beaten him down so far that breathing seemed like work, and admitting it hurt his soul. Talking about seemed like whining, so he wouldn‛t. The reason he liked to lie in front of the television was obvious today, but he was improving. He was, damn it. He also liked to think that Harry was doing better, last night aside. It might be a lie, but it was a good one.

"Ready?"

Toby heard the bouncing of the ball before he looked up. He smiled and he couldn‛t help it. "No. Can you give me five?"

"Yeah, I need a water. I‛ll meet you back here." Elliot headed towards the market. Toby tried not to run inside. He hurried. That was all. The thought flashed through his mind that he was pathetic, but he pushed it aside. It was basketball and talk. Nothing more. He wouldn‛t check out Elliot‛s ass for the hundredth time. He‛d seen it naked after all.

"Fuck," Toby whispered and adjusted his jock. He had to stop thinking. Locking the door and then the gate, he knew as he admired Elliot coming down the street that things weren‛t that simple. Hell no.

*********

"That‛s better," Elliot said and made a swipe for the ball, but Toby went the other direction and in for the layup. He missed it, but it was a good try. Elliot got the rebound. "You studied the book?"

Toby nodded and caught the ball. "It helped to stare at your ass."

Elliot could only stare at him.

"You were crouched. I was standing up too much." Toby flashed a grin, but it was gone fast. "What?"

Elliot picked his words carefully. "Watch the ball."

"Got it." Toby slumped down on the bench. Elliot joined him, and they both drank some water. Toby glanced over. "Do people really double dribble and travel?"

"In grade school, that‛s all they do." Elliot smiled at the memories of Dickie‛s games. "I‛m sure you‛ll practice dribbling until you want to puke. Make sure they only use one hand at a time, and there isn‛t anything you can do about traveling. They‛ll get the hang of it eventually."

"Good to know." Toby fiddled with his bottle. "What‛s the most important thing about basketball?"

Elliot thought about it for a second. "Make sure they have fun. It‛s a game."

Toby smiled. "I‛ll remember." He patted Elliot on the leg. "We can talk about it. I‛m not going to go crazy."

"Not sure what to say." Elliot went with the truth. "Not an easy situation for any parent."

"I‛d guess not." Toby sighed. "He claims he was obnoxious because you‛re a cop, and he was protecting me."

Elliot frowned. He hadn‛t thought of that, and there might be a kernel of truth in it. "You believe him?"

"Not really." Toby looked away. "I think he was trying to hurt me with an audience, a bigger rush."

"I think you‛re right." Elliot had seen it clearly. "He‛s very angry."

Toby nodded. He was frowning. "I didn‛t give him a choice about moving here. Maybe I should‛ve."

"He‛s too young to make the decision. He‛d have seen it as rejection." Elliot was sure of that, if nothing else.

"That‛s what I thought." Toby brushed his hair back with his hand. "I think a lot of every day is him pushing me. Wanting to see if I‛ll leave him again."

Elliot drank some water. He was no shrink, but it sounded reasonable. "Therapy is an option."

"I‛ve considered it, but, Elliot, it‛s been three months. Three. Isn‛t this normal?" Toby spread his hands and looked pleadingly at him. Elliot wanted to reassure him, wanted to tell him it was going to work out.

"I think you should talk to a professional. Find out. He‛s your son and worth the effort."

Toby got up and went to shoot baskets. Elliot watched instead of following. He understood Toby‛s reluctance but there was a time to put it aside, and that was now. His children were more important than anything, but pushing the issue was a bad idea, and he wouldn‛t mention it again unless asked. Toby was nothing if not smart. He‛d do what was best for his kids. Elliot had to believe that.

********

"Give me the ball." Elliot was furrowing his brow. He did that. Toby wanted to smooth it away. He was dribbling down the sidewalk, but he stopped and handed it over. Elliot tucked it under his arm. "Think you can make it now? Cragen sent me home early today, but that won‛t happen tomorrow."

"I meet with the coach tomorrow. I‛ll know then if I should panic." Toby wasn‛t joking. "I hope she‛s cute."

Elliot looked at him now. "She?"

"Well, yeah." Toby grinned and was glad to see some reaction. "I could get lucky."

Elliot snorted. "Like that‛ll happen." He stopped walking as they were at his place. "You gotta go?"

Toby seized that small opportunity. "Not yet." He hoped this meant that Elliot had forgiven him for being such a clod in bed. "You‛d let me in?"

Elliot dug out his keys instead of answering, and they went inside together. It looked the same, but the memory of what had happened here was enough to give him a raging hard-on. Elliot didn‛t seem to notice. He had the fridge door open and tossed Toby a soda. Toby leaned against the cabinet and popped it open.

"So what‛re ya gonna do about your boy?" Elliot twisted open a beer and headed for the small living room. Toby went with him and tried not to stare at his ass. The question was a good one, and he gave it plenty of thought before answering.

"You know any shrinks that won‛t ask me how I feel?" Toby wasn‛t being sarcastic. He was really sick of that aspect of pyschotherapy.

Elliot laughed quietly. "I doubt it. Let me ask the shrink at work if there‛s someone he recommends for a situation like this. I have a feeling you need more than a garden variety shrink."

Toby shoved his hand through his sweaty hair. "Rub it in, why don‛t ya?" He didn‛t take it personally, but it was kinda sad. "But yeah, I‛d appreciate it."

"Money a problem?" Elliot asked softly.

"We‛re loaded. Don‛t tell anyone, okay?" Toby wasn‛t going to go into specifics, but it wasn‛t a problem. He drank some soda and was already regretting agreeing to anything. "You think I should talk to the school counselor?"

"Definitely." Elliot nodded and took a drink of beer before continuing, "And be as honest as possible."

Toby hoped that school counselors were somewhat discreet. He would do it. It was time to face this more directly instead of hoping for the best. He finished his soda and wished he were brave enough to ask Elliot a few direct questions. Maybe he could go at this sideways. "Think you‛ll ever come over again?"

"If I don‛t, he‛ll think he‛s won." Elliot put his empty bottle on the coffee table. "Up to you."

"Come over for pizza tonight," Toby said instantly. "Wednesday is pizza night." He figured he sounded pathetically eager, but he wanted as much Elliot as he could get. "Please."

Elliot rubbed his hand down his face. He was going to say no. Toby just knew it. He stretched as far as he could and put his hand on Elliot‛s knee. The small gasp was a surprise.

"Please." It worried him that begging came so easy with this man.

"Okay." Elliot slowly moved his hand over Toby‛s. It was Toby‛s turn to gasp softly. A touch like that shouldn‛t have elicited that reaction from him. Elliot raised his other hand and gently touched Toby between the eyes. "You know it‛s me, right?"

Toby forced air into his lungs. Findng the right words was very important to his future. "I know very well."

"Good." Elliot laced his fingers through Toby‛s. "Let‛s get a shower."

"Not gonna argue about that. You smell." Toby hoped his legs worked. All the blood in his body had rushed to the lower middle section. Elliot didn‛t turn him loose until they were in the bathroom. Toby heard himself groan and was embarrassed. That didn‛t stop him from getting out of his clothes in record time.

Elliot chuckled softly. "Not as much room here as at Rikers."

"Less chance of being gang raped." Toby put his hand on Elliot‛s ass to see if he‛d flinched. He didn‛t, but he did get in the shower. The two steps to the shower seemed like long ones and all Toby wanted to do was wrap his body into Elliot‛s, hold him tightly and see where their bodies fit together.

"Stop groaning, okay?" Elliot thumped him on the head. Toby couldn‛t even think of an answer. All he could see was Elliot‛s stiff dick, and he went to his knees. Elliot‛s hand wrapped into Toby‛s hair. "You don‛t have to do that. Ah, shit!"

Toby knew the difference between curse words said in lust and curse words said in anger. This was lust. This was perfect. He wanted to play, wallow in the moment, because he‛d never expected to be here again. Reaching down, he stroked himself in rhythm with his mouth, and he was afraid he was going to come first.

Elliot suddenly pulled him up, and they were kissing, rubbing together. Toby tried to feel every inch of him twice. Elliot‛s big hand stroked them together and Toby did his best to capture Elliot‛s tongue. It was all so good, and he was tingling with giddiness. Elliot managed to wrap him closer and Toby spurted all over both of them. It left him weak and shaky and unable to think, only feel. He looked down and could see that Elliot was almost there. Quickly, he knelt and took the big cock all the way down his throat.

"Toby," Elliot whispered. His thighs quivered under Toby‛s hands, and Toby exulted in giving him this pleasure. After a long moment of hard breaths, Elliot pulled him up again and they kissed. Toby leaned against him.

"Thanks," Toby whispered. He knew it sounded lame, but he was grateful. Slowly, they began to wash, and he noticed that Elliot wasn‛t talking. Elliot wasn‛t meeting Toby‛s eyes. Toby had to say something, "You regret it?"

"It‛s more complicated than that," Elliot said. Toby waited for more, didn‛t get it, and got out when Elliot did. They dried off, and Toby put everything back on but his shirt. Elliot tossed him a clean one and he slipped it over his head. This was the exact moment when everything had gone wrong last time, and Toby was practically chewing his tongue in an effort to not make the same mistake.

Elliot rubbed his hand down his face. "It was a sin, but I couldn‛t stop myself."

Toby was sure whatever he said would be wrong. He knew all about Catholicism and guilt over sex. Chris had taught him well. There were no easy answers, especially for a man with four kids and a recent ex-wife. Elliot would have to work through it on his own, and Toby would have to keep his fat mouth shut.

"Was Keller Catholic?"

Toby nodded and stepped closer. "He had Christ on his arm also." That seemed safe enough.

"I saw the picture in his file." Elliot rubbed it. "It‛s no wonder you were so confused."

"I wasn‛t thinking very clearly anyway, and yeah, it was a shock." Toby remembered the crazy laughter. He‛d been very certain that Elliot was Chris come to kill him in revenge. It made no sense now. Hell, it hadn‛t then either. "He said he got it in Las Vegas."

Elliot furrowed his brow, so serious. "I got mine here in New York. The tattoo artist said he‛d only done one other."

"It‛s a little freaky. Genetics are a powerful thing." Toby took one more step and ran his hand down the tattoo in a quick caress. "Sacrifice is always painful."

"But worth it." Elliot frowned and his blue eyes looked angry. "Show me yours."

Toby was surprised that Elliot hadn‛t looked. Or maybe he had and he wanted another look. It didn‛t matter, Toby would show him. "Ain‛t pretty."

"Life rarely is." Elliot took a long look and ran his fingers over the raised skin. Toby quivered, but didn‛t lean up until he knew Elliot was finished. Elliot pulled him into a hug and whispered, "The bastard is dead, right?"

"Right." Toby wasn‛t going to tell that story. He held Elliot loosely because holding him tightly would only serve to push him away. Elliot moved away, but not in an insulting way. They both put on their shoes, and Toby folded his shirt. "I‛ll hit the bricks. Later?"

Elliot chewed the inside of his lip. "Yeah. Later."

Toby grinned and left. He wasn‛t sure he was doing the right thing, but Elliot needed some time to think about it.

*********

"Elliot, can I drop the twins off for the evening?" Kathy asked, her words coming fast.

Elliot wasn‛t going to argue about that. "Sure. What‛s up?"

"Everything. Maureen has to work, and Kathleen has a senior event, and the twins would be very bored. I need help."

"Bring ‛em." Elliot was never invited to ‛things,‛ not any longer. He wished he had the balls to complain. "I‛ll be here."

"Thanks!" Kathy clicked off. Elliot shut his phone and considered calling Toby to cancel, but either way, he‛d be buying pizza. Maybe Toby wouldn‛t mind some extra company. It would be strange with a household of kids, but it would definitely distract Harry from nagging at his father. Elliot nodded. He‛d do it, and on Sunday, he was going to Mass. Speaking to his priest might be the worst idea ever, but he had to reconcile his faith and his desires. Pulling Toby into the shower had been spur of the moment. He hadn‛t intended on it. He‛d told himself twice not to even consider it. It had only been when he‛d noticed Toby‛s hard one that he‛d lost control.

"So good," Elliot muttered. He honestly prayed that Toby had enjoyed it also. There was so much trauma in him. He‛d never be ‛normal.‛ He‛d been hurt too badly, and that was something Elliot understood perfectly.

*********

Toby was upstairs when the doorbell rang. He heard Holly pound down the stairs to get it, but it could wait a minute until he was through talking to Harry.

"We clear?"

Harry slowly nodded. He was still pale and his face wet from tears. "You don‛t like me, do you?"

Toby‛s heart twisted. He forced a sob away. "I love you. I‛m not impressed with your behavior, but you have the power to fix that. Even if you don‛t, I will always love you."

"My teacher doesn‛t know." Harry was sulking now.

"Son, everyone in the school will know by nightfall and all because you wanted some jizz on the playground. We‛ll see what happens. You took bragging about your dad one step too far and you know it." Toby had wavered between horrified and terrified that his son had been so mouthy. Holly had spilled the beans as soon as she got home, of course.

"Dad! Company!"

"I‛m coming!" Toby yelled back. He lowered his voice. "You made your decision. Find a way to live with it." He left on that note. He might have said too much, but there were always consequences, and Harry should know that by now. Maybe the nanny hadn‛t impressed it on him.

"Did you order yet?" Elliot was standing in the living room. He was flanked by two children, boy and a girl.

"Nope." Toby smiled. "Who‛s your crew?"

The boy laughed. "Richard Stabler, and that‛s my stupid sister, Elizabeth."

Toby heard Holly giggle. "Did you meet Holly?" He saw Elliot rubbed his forehead. Harry came down the stairs fast, hearing strange voices, and there were introductions all around.

Elliot pulled Toby aside. "Okay?"

"Glad you came and brought reinforcements. Events have preceded since we last talked." Toby dug out his phone. "Pepperoni?"

"And sausage, and Elizabeth likes cheese." Elliot‛s blue eyes were smiling. "We‛re outnumbered."

Toby laughed. "And they‛re probably smarter than us. Okay, shut up while I call." He was glad Elliot had brought the kids. If he was comfortable enough to do that, they had a chance of staying good friends, and Toby wanted that more than anything.

**********

Elliot helped Toby clean up the kitchen after the kids had bolted upstairs to play video games. "What did Harry do?"

"Astute observation." Toby was putting the leftovers in one box. "He told all his buddies that his dad was an ex-con, out on parole, and that I‛d killed a guy."

Elliot‛s mouth dropped open and he shut it quickly. "That‛s bad."

"Yeah. No kidding." Toby shook his head and laughed softly. "He‛s a kid. They do stupid things."

"He must‛ve known that was a bad choice," Elliot said skeptically. "He must not want you to coach."

"He probably doesn‛t." Toby shut the fridge door. "I‛m sure there will be fallout. He‛ll have to deal with it. I‛m not moving him to another school."

Elliot threw some trash away and thought about it. "Good for you. Did he ever realize what he‛d done?"

"Oh, yeah. Holly was crying. She thinks all her friends will shun her now, and she may be right." Toby sat down at the table and sipped some soda. "She‛s completely mad at him."

"Good." Elliot sat down across from him. "You‛re not angry?"

"I‛m upset he did this to himself and his sister, but, well, no." Toby sighed. "He was just telling the truth."

Elliot wasn‛t so sure he‛d be this calm if it had happened to him. "What are you going to do?"

"Nothing. It‛ll play out, and Harry is going to have a good lesson in consequences."

"He certainly is. The board may vote to expel both of them." Elliot hated that about private schools, but it was a fact of life. "Are you ready to send them somewhere else?"

Toby looked straight at him. "If it comes to it, I‛ll do it. Life‛s never easy. Harry might as well learn that now instead of after he‛s in prison."

Elliot flinched. That was harsh. "Why do you say that?"

"He has no impulse control. I recognize it very well. Genetics again. I still act without thinking too much of the time." Toby reached and touched him on the hand. "Remember?"

"Well, yeah, but didn‛t your father rein you in?" Elliot was amazed at this entire conversation. It cast a whole new light on Toby.

Toby shook his head. "He had no idea what to do with me. Unluckily for Harry, he has me, and I understand him. Every twist and turn, I‛ve done it all, and I‛m going to be pushing him the other direction every day of his life."

"Now that‛s a full-time job." Elliot hoped that Toby succeeded where his own father had failed. "I guess you‛ll find out tomorrow at school."

"Guess so." Toby got up. "Let‛s go plant our asses on the sofa. I‛m worn out."

"You ate too much. Think you hadn‛t had pizza in years." Elliot smiled when Toby flipped him off. They sat down on opposite ends of the sofa, and Toby turned the TV on. Elliot could hear the kids upstairs. Life around Toby was never dull. It wasn‛t crazy, but it was close. "You‛ll call me if there‛s anything I can do, right?"

Toby raised his eyebrows. "Maybe. Would you call me if you needed a shoulder?"

Elliot wasn‛t sure he could do that. "Maybe. I‛m not a whiner."

"Well, I am. You should pick your friends more carefully." Toby grinned - that crazy one. Elliot could only laugh.

*********

"Well, the shit certainly has hit the fan." The principal glared at him, sitting down at her desk. "Tell me what to do now!"

Toby spread his hands. "I have no idea. I guess we were naive to think that no one would find out. Kids gossip."

Her eyes narrowed. "Did you speak to your son? Does he understand what he‛s done?"

"I have. He does." Toby had said very little since that first conversation. It hadn‛t been necessary, and he felt sorry for his son. Society could be hard to understand for anyone, much less an eight-year-old. Harry had known there would be fallout, but perhaps he hadn‛t predicted how much. Toby was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"The board is meeting tonight to discuss whether or not your children can remain enrolled. I‛ll be your advocate, but honestly, if I were you, I‛d start looking for a public school." She sighed heavily. "My apologies."

Toby extended his hand. "Thank you. Your support makes this less painful." They shook hands, and he escaped out into the hallway. He‛d already investigated the closest public school, and he wasn‛t particularly impressed, but there were other alternatives. He‛d lay it out for his kids later and see what they thought. Going to a public school where some of the other parents were murderers was probably for the best.

**********

Elliot found the number easily, but making the call was damn hard. He hesitated and hesitated again. There had to be a way to do this that wouldn‛t make the vein in Toby‛s forehead pop out. He rubbed his hand down his face. Harry had put the ball in motion, maybe it was time to talk to him.

"Cap, I need a long lunch."

"Go."

*********

Toby was finishing with the dishwasher when the bell rang. Holly got it, and Elliot was standing in the kitchen two minutes later.

"Toby, Harry and I are going for a walk, okay?" Elliot had on his cop suit. His badge was prominent on his suit pocket. He must‛ve come right from work.

"No more guilt. He‛s had enough." Toby wasn‛t sure. He‛d need some convincing. "Why?"

"Trust me with him."

Toby had seen Elliot with his own children. The trust came easily. "Bedtime is at nine."

"Thanks." Elliot was gone fast, and Toby heard the door shut. Holly came dashing in the kitchen almost immediately. Toby smiled at her.

"Where are they going?" Holly had run the gauntlet of emotions tonight, and she was still red-eyed.

Toby gave her a hug. "I don‛t know, but I trust Elliot. Let‛s have ice cream. I think we need it."

Holly squeezed him hard. "Does life always suck like today?"

"No. There are ups and downs and days where nothing happens at all." He gave her a kiss on the forehead and got out the ice cream. He needed it.

*********

"Do you think it was enough?" Harry asked, looking up at Elliot with pleading eyes.

Elliot stopped walking and squatted down to be more at eye level. "You‛ll find out tomorrow. Did you do your best?"

"Yes." Harry sniffed.

"Then you did all you can. If they still won‛t let you go to school there, that‛s their problem." Elliot hoped it had been enough. At least he‛d done something.

Harry rubbed his hand through his dark hair. "I wanted to hurt him. Make him look bad in front of my friends. I thought they‛d say he couldn‛t coach."

"I know." Elliot put his hand on Harry‛s shoulder. "Funny thing about revenge: it rarely works out like we plan."

"All I did was hurt myself."

"But you did hurt him. He enjoyed being at your school. It made him feel as if he were doing something good." Elliot was no shrink, but this was simple math, not Algebra. "What‛s next, Harry?"

"What do you mean?" Harry frowned in that way Toby did.

Elliot frowned to match him. "How are you going to hurt him next? That‛s the plan, right? Drive him away?"

Harry‛s face showed his pain. "He doesn‛t love me! If he did, he‛d have never gone to prison!"

"Sometimes, the things we do have consequences that we don‛t see coming," Elliot said quietly. He saw how each word hit Harry below the belt. "Harry, I understand your grief, but how much punishment is enough?"

Harry rubbed his face hard, and Elliot got to his feet. That was enough words. The boy was still a child. They continued walking home, and Harry pushed the buzzer on the gate. Toby came out quickly, and Elliot saw the concern.

"I was worried." Toby pulled Harry into a hug. "Enough for one day. Head to bed. I‛ll be up in a minute."

Harry nodded and was gone fast, hiding his face. Elliot met Toby‛s eyes and said, "He‛s a good kid."

"He‛s too much like his father. Not his fault, I guess." Toby stuffed his hands in his pockets and hunched his shoulders. "Whatever you did, thanks."

Elliot hesitated and then did it. He hugged him. "Keep it together."

"I got out the glue earlier." Toby held him hard. "Go home, ya loser."

"You ever wish for the simplicity of a cell?" Elliot had to ask just once.

"Fuck no, ya moron." Toby pulled away enough to glare at him. "It was hell. I should‛ve made your stay much more unpleasant."

Elliot laughed at the absurdity of it. "All right. I‛m going home."

Toby reached up and gently touched him between the eyes. Neither of them said anything else. Elliot walked off into the night. He might have been smiling.

*********  
End Part 3


End file.
